Comfortable in my own skin

What is presence?  Managers often ask me to help them develop presence, especially when they’ve taken a step up the organisational ladder.  An Executive in a PR company asked me if I would coach one of their 'rising stars'.  “I think she’s almost ready for promotion to a senior position and I want to make sure she gets the development she needs to be absolutely in shape for it.  What she needs to develop is her presence as a senior leader in the organisation”.  Presence.  How do you do that?

When I worked with the manager, we had some really enjoyable conversations about presence exploring who she thought had it and who didn’t.  It was interesting hearing her trying to whittle it down to its essence.  She started to talk about the language people used, their tone and posture.  Together we started to compile a list.  “But then again,” she says when the list seemed conclusive, “there’s John.  His style is completely different”.  Several times she compiles a list of behaviours that seemed completely at odds with the one before depending who she was talking about.  I ask her what they all had in common.  “They are all comfortable in their own skin”, she replied.So, how do you get comfortable in your own skin?  Well, I’ve got something you could try:First of all, take a few moments to stare into space and remember a time when you were completely comfortable in your own skin.  It might have been with friends or family, or it might have been on a project that went well at work.  Focus on how you felt inside, how your voice sounded and how you might have looked on the outside. Enjoy luxuriating for a minute or so in that memory.Pick out 3 or 4 things about you in that memory which stand out.  Things like, your relaxed yet alert physical posture; the way your attention was on the people and task on hand rather than yourself, the clear and varied tone you used, the way you used a little humour to lighten the subject.  You’ll know.

Now get these 3 or 4 into your muscle memory, as if you were a pianist practicing scales, so that they begin to happen without really thinking.  Set the alarm on your phone so that it goes off every 2 hours during your day (if you have meetings, put it on vibrate).   When the alarm goes off (I’ll use my list as an example), make a really quick mental note on a rating scale of 1 - 10, “How relaxed yet alert is my posture? Is it completely loose and relaxed (10) or is it extremely tensed up and tight(1)?  If it is somewhere between, where is it on the scale? “.  Then do the same thing with each of the items on your list.Do this for 2 working days.  You can build in some play time too by checking in with yourself whilst you are buying a coffee, pushing a trolley around the supermarket or standing in a queue.At the end of the two days, notice what happens to your presence and comfort in your own skin.